Lecture 2. How and to whom
we communicate
·
2.1. Communication
has specific characteristics
·
2.2. I communicate
to me, to you, to others, to all
§ 2.3. Professionalism : discourse
Objectives:
- Knowing the importance of words
- Not forgetting to whom we talk
- Avoiding speaking in vain
- Attaining performances in the process of speaking
Applications:
- Pick up a target group to which you address.
- Choose a subject to tell something to your fellows.
- Draw up a chart of objectives: make yourself clear as to why you
take the floor.
- Ask as many opinions as possible about what you said or wanted to
say.
- Put down the objections and measures required.
2.1. Communication has specific characteristics
It’s good to
remember that there are words in pure state exist only in the dictionary, only
there one can find their basic sense. Once uttered, they are transformed in
messages. Accompanied by the chosen gestures, tone, place and moment they
become integral part of our personality. They are our personal style. The
words, regardless their importance, are not sufficient as well. The American
researchers carried out experimental studies by a camera. They proved, in
direct or camera observation behind a tinless mirror that at least 75% in the
interpersonal communication is non-verbal.[1]
As a process,
communication implies a series of characteristics defining it in equal measure
and that, in order to complete the process, have to be implied or subsummed.
They may be partly or fully found in a certain type of message.
Such characteristics are:
Reciprocity
Nothing else can be so far
away from individualism and egocentricity than communication. In fact, not
accidentally, the word origin sends us to a much more profound sense, that is
related to the Christian life and that, in the Romanian language, before being
communication was the lord’s supper, the eucharist and the sacrement
(Constantin Noica wrote a wonderful article on this theme[2]).
Communication is a bi-directional process both in the hierarchical
relationships and in the relationships between friends. While we are speaking,
we listen and prepare the next reply,
having in mind what he just have said or heard.
Reciprocity is a characteristic
of communication because, in general, communication is a bi-directional
process, that has no sense without partnership. This truth is valid both when
we refer to the hierarchical relations (between the superiors and the
subordinates) and when we have in mind the day by day life. In both cases,
communication implies continuity and simultaneity in transmitting messages.
Continuity, because any word, syntagm, sentence or phrase has to refer to the
previous sense or state. This may be even when stages are overlapped – a logic
of message is needed. For instance, we talk to someone sitting at the table,
and, at a certain moment, the discussion languishes. We can say something on
the whether, even if we did not mention anything on the subject so far. But I think this torrid day will not last long,
what do you say about this? means in context: I am willing to talk, I do not like that we do not communicate more
profoundly, let us try again, it is impossible not to establish any
relationship, I would be upset if we said good bye without getting to know
ourselves better.
Purpose
Any communication has a
purpose, understood both as a message and as a way of transmitting and
receiving the information. Either it is understood or not, the purpose cannot
be missing. Even when it has no content, the message transmits something: the
truth that it does not contain anything!. We frequently use to say, in order to
make ourselves clear or to show our altruism “I have no interest in it, I am
just saying it…” And there follows the brief description of purpose: ”to make
you feel good, not blame me for not telling you, to make you see that I have no
interest in it etc.” But these explanations, particularly them, show the
existence of a purpose. And if the saying The
end justifies the means is or not acceptable in its content, then it would
be the subject of another lecture, it is good to know that the means we choose
for communicating the purpose are very important. For instance, we saw how many
of our contemporaries wished to become neither more nor less presidents of the
state, the presidents themselves of Romania
The purpose has to be
understood in a wide sense, to be seen as a message that we send with a certain
intention and which should offer us a reaction. It can be reduced to a simple
information, but, gradually it develops and the results are spectacular. The
word purpose should not create any complex to us and should not make us think
of a mean aspect.
To have a purpose for any
action means that we are aware of the words, gestures and finality of our
facts. I remember a rather recent situation that occurred to me: I was to be
evacuated from the apartment that I used to live in as a tenant because the
heirs of the ex owners claimed their rights. It was very normal what they were
doing, but I had no place to go. At a certain moment, in the art gallery that I
had organised, a person came in and looked with great interest at the pictures.
After the first words, I realised she was a painter. The Moldavian accent
showed her origin of Basarabia. I was tempted not to protract the conversation
with her – she was not a potential buyer. But you have to speak, I said to
myself, what I did. I soon found that she had a child and a house that she had
to fix, because the Town Hall delivered it in the initial condition. From this
moment the purpose of the conversation was another one: I wanted to know how
she got the repartition deed from the Town Hall. I was patient, I asked helping questions and, finally she introduced
to me the persons that had helped her. The result materialised in an apartment
that was distributed as evacuated. It is obvious to me that, if I had not
considered it was worth talking to any person, I would not have had this
chance, as it is also obvious to me that in a discussion we have to establish our purpose, even if this one is
the simple pleasure of exercising the art of conversation. But the exercise of
art, not chat.
Irreversibility
The Romanian folklore abounds
in proverbs that draw the attention on the value of words, but also on the
concern for the utterance. Someone says: Words
may pass but they never come back. Somebody else is simply ironical: A word flew from your mouth, but you had
better coughed. The next one is even more meaningful: Word is like wind, neither the stallion nor the greyhound can keep the
pace with it. This means that once sent, the message cannot be taken back.
Unfortunately, we are very little aware of this feature of the message, and we,
Latin characters, we frequently make mistakes before sending it. If we realised
every time that the message was irreversible, we would think more before speaking,
we would read a few times an e-mail before pressing the button send, we would make plans and analyse
our phrases before dialling a phone number.
The Romanian proverb „a close mouth catches no flies” focuses on the
fact that the message sent without thinking first altered the good impression
that we had made before speaking, communicating, because, in this case, silence
communicates more efficiently than words. Irreversibility must be seen in close
interdependence with the impact that the message may have on the receiver.
As the word shows it, the
message, once sent, cannot be withdrawn. Irreversibility has to be seen in a
close interdependence with the impact that the message may have on the
receiver. Anton Pann noted the proverb that best illustrates this situation:
you had better coughed than speak.
Symbolic process
Communication uses symbols,
these being used for transmitting ideas. The word symbol comes from French, fr.
symbole, taken by French from the
Latin symbolum. The Greeks had the word
symbolon, that meant identification
sign.
It is about an image or a
concrete sign by which the characteristic features of some abstract phenomena
or notions are shown. The importance of symbol in communication is so high that
it lead to a real literary current, symbolism extending on all the arts and
even on the daily activity. The importance of symbol and its manifestation at
the level of words are analysed from the beginning of the XXth century, at the
moment of publication, in 1916, of the well-known course of Ferdinand de
Saussure, Cours de linguistique generale.
” The symbol, according to Saussure, has the characteristic of never being
totally arbitrary; it is not empty; there is a rudiment of natural relationship
between the significant and the signified. The symbol of justice, the balance,
could not be replaced by anything else, for instance, by an armoured car.”[3]
It is a frequent process in
our daily life. Even if we are not permanently aware of the process, the
communication among people contains symbols at every step, either in speaking
or in the non-verbal language. Most frequently, symbols are used when the
transmission of an idea is desired, but the transmission of feelings also needs
symbols. When we wake up in the morning and we say I am terribly hungry we
speak metaphorically. The tie that we put to our neck is a symbol of elegance,
and when we say bye to our wife, we do not communicate only good bye, but also
I kiss you, I am looking forward to see you, I will be at supper on time.
Real process
Precisely because people find
themselves in a relation of interdependence, because they need to communicate
and they do this every day, appeared the fear, not at all artificial, that in
fact we could not communicate. In reality, individuals, in everything they do,
they communicate. By this process, there appears the system of values, beliefs
and attitudes of individuals. We communicate by our simple presence, by words
and by silence, by the way we get dressed, by the perfume we use, by the car
that we own, by the dog that we walk. Nothing is more concrete in our life than
communication. That’s why it requires a lot of concern, not only because of the
academic obligations that impose the hearing of or reading this lecture … The
importance of real communication in my life, for instance, is shown even by the
dreams that I have, and I refer to the concrete dreams, during the night, when
I say to somebody something that I could
not say during the day or in a past incident. Not to mention the nightmares,
rare, but existing, when misfortunes are about to happen, and I cannot prevent
them because I have my mouth shut, I am not able to speak or to shout. It is
the job of psychoanalysts to find out what this incapability means, but I am
sure it is a communicative default.
Nothing is more real than communication, even if it is based mainly on
words, on comments that have no materiality. But people, in everything they do,
in a way or another, communicate, and by this process appear the systems of
values, beliefs and attitudes of the individuals. The reasons for the
dissolution of a marriage may be numerous, but everything falls down when
partners realise that they have nothing to say to each other anymore.
Communication is the unique door by which you can enter somebody’s heart,
somebody’s thought, it is a transfer of feelings and the unique certitude that
man is not alone. There are a lot of young men that believe money is the main
element of life or success. It is true only on the surface. In fact only communication
leads to the accomplishment of the purpose. Let us refer to only one situation:
I think it is obvious for all of us that we cannot buy somebody’s love, even if
we can pay a meal in a fancy restaurant and that person could accept us for a
few hours. We also can try to make impression with the fancy car that we own
and with the trip on the road, at the mountain or at the seaside that we can
suggest. And so on, but without exaggerating, not more than a passing
satisfaction. In exchange, communication also assures money obtaining, it may
persuade the person that is important for us of the depth of our feelings, it
makes impossible for Mrs. Right to live without us. Communication assures the
friendship relation, offers resistance in front of difficulties, it offers hope
and even certitudes.
Complex process
There is a rather complicated process upon which changes occur between
the sender of the message and the receivers. In sociological plan, according to
Emmanuel Pedler[4],
the most recurrent observations allow us to take note of the fact that,
endowing the great majority of people by means that, a few decades earlier,
only the privileged people possessed, the most successful electronic techniques
are the starting point of some new inequalities and of some new forms of
inequalities”. But this truth is valid not only when referring to technique.
Just as the teacher depends on his pupils or students during the educational
process, the sender (the reporter, the priest, the orator, the social activist)
depends on his addressees, so that he will have to change his message according
to their needs or demands. Or, the moment somebody modifies his message, there
begins the process for the modification of his thinking system and for relating
to the reality. Obviously, these changes are not instantaneous and they do not
occur in the same manner at several persons, but in a relatively long period of
time, according to modalities that relate to the personality of each
individual, to the sender that may be a very powerful character or a very
malleable and adaptable person.
As regards the addressee manipulation, there is no need to insist upon
this subject now, because precisely the intention to communicate, not to
mention the communication itself, has as a main purpose to inform, but also
shape the partner.
Even if we are tempted to believe that nothing is easier than speaking,
we are finally obliged, as we are becoming aware of the necessity to integrate
within the society, to accept the complexity of communication. From speaking,
because you can open your mouth to speak, to really speaking and knowing what
you are saying, there is a distance from the articulated sound to the aria of
an opera. The importance of communication becomes even more obvious when we take
into account the fact that major transformations occur between the sender of
the message and the receiver. Sometimes changes occur and they have
incalculable consequences. We receive in the same way as we give. It is
difficult to determine who offers more and who receives more in a love
relationship (and even if we knew, what would be the benefits?) On the
contrary, when reproaches are made on I
did and you didn’t, or yes, you tried something, but not on time and not as it
should have been, then an analysis imposes: love is fading away, there
should be more communication, discussions, there is more to be offered…). The
reciprocal situation is also met in the pedagogical process: a teacher, for
instance, offers himself to students, and they, in their turn, offer their
share during the instructive-formative activity. The teacher brings in
maturity, certitudes, information, experience, and the student, new things,
doubt, energy, questioning. And no matter how much we liked to discuss and
gloss on the conflict between generations, between parents and children,
between young and old people, between teacher and pupil (student) there is a
permanent change, a beneficial flux and reflux, a perfect symbiosis, if we know
how to avoid the details and if we are able to analyse things in depth, by
dealing with them calmly.
2.2.
With me, with you, with others, with all of them
According to the
interlocutors position, communication may be carried out directly, in an
interpersonal form, with precise address and reciprocal change of messages, or
indirectly, in the form of mass-media productions, of press communicates.
According to the
number of participants, communication may take place to another level:
·
intrapersonal,
·
interpersonal,
·
in small
groups,
·
within the
public communications.
Intrapersonal
communication
Intrapersonal communication represents
a type of communication that exists inside each individual, implying thoughts,
feelings, the way of seeing the others. « Although it does not imply the
existence of distinct communicators, the inner dialogue that we have with
ourselves represents an authentic communication process, where we can even
notice the falsification of the information meant to mislead the interlocutor
(we refer to the frequent situation of people that lie or fool themselves).[5]
Being centred on himself, as regards this type of communication, the individual
is both the sender and the receiver. It is the meeting of the individual with
himself, the moments of auto-analysis, the evening dialogs, that evolve from
the deep inner of each individual. It is the communication in front of the
mirror of mind, when everything around is quiet and the individual found
himself after an exceptional, traumatic or euphoric experience. It also may be
the communication with himself while praying, the tranquillity in the church,
the moments of peace in front of a coffin, the fear of the total blank in front
of an empty tomb. It is the mute communication with the starry sky, with the
silence of the night, with the murmur of a river discovered in a forgotten
wood. It is happiness without words. The intrapersonal communication, according
to Mihai Dinu’s opinion in the quoted volume, does not necessarily imply the
messages coding and decoding, because these ones do not have to cross a
physical space, but a mental one. « The individual may talk to himself
without using words, but this does not mean that verbalisation of thoughts is
not a very frequent phenomenon. ». We believe that also as concerns the
intrapersonal communication, it is impossible to abandon the idea of using
words, and when the individual thinks that he talked to himself without naming
his thoughts or feelings, his plans or concerns, he only was in a state of
pre-communication or post-communication, at most in a communicative field, and
not in a prime process of communication. Not communicating by words with
yourself during the meeting only means to relax, in this case, communication
being replaced by rest or pleasure, sometimes even by the illusion of communication.
Even if it has
no witnesses and consequently it cannot contribute to the creation of our
image, it is important to give the necessary attention to this communication
with the own self, because what we will do and how we will express ourselves in
other people’s presence depends on how we behave when we are not seen and
heard. Therefore, it is necessary that we get used to talk seriously to
ourselves even when speaking in mind, or maybe only in mind. We should not
despise ourselves, we should not talk to ourselves as if we were nobody, we
should not believe that if we refuse to name the truth, this one does not
exist. Closing the intrapersonal communication by the conclusion « leave
me alone » or « I”ll see what I do » does not mean communication, but
lack of communication, truancy from the meeting with the own self.
Interpersonal
communication
It is the process
of communication in which each individual addresses to the other individual,
generally in an informal and unstructured formula. The process takes place
-between two individuals, but it may also include several individuals. It is
the type of communication between two lovers, parents, between parents and the
children of the family, between brothers, between the two-three members of the operational
management within a company or institution. For Habermas a theory of the
communicative competence should explain the performances that the speaker or
the listener assumes first, when it transforms the sentences in utterances. He
takes as a starting point the fact that the speaker/listener use in their
utterances sentences in order to become understandable in relation to certain
states of facts.[6]
Jurgen Habermas notes that the speaking elementary units have a double own
structure, where this one mirrors itself. Generally, the interpersonal
communication ( two or several people that speak together) is the most
efficient form of communication. It is so, because the message is backed,
supplemented by gestures, mime, intimacy, the voice tone and of the possibility
of an immediate feedback. If the listener asks something or seems confused, the
speaker has an immediate clue and he can reformulate the information or may
accentuate an idea.
This is also valid for the
meetings in small groups, but the barriers of an efficient communication could
amplify as it passes to large groups, and, finally, to mass-media. In other
words, mass-media may benefit from a large audience, but the physical and
psychological distance between the sender and the receiver is considerably
large. This determines a less efficient communication, because public is not
intimately related to the speaker anymore. An immediate feedback is not
possible and the message may contain distortions undetected by the persons in
charge with the media.”[7]
An act of speaking is consequently
formed of a performative sentence and of the sentential content of a sentence
that depends upon this one. The dominant sentence contains a personal pronoun
in the first person, as subject expression, a personal pronoun in the second
person, as object expression and a predicate, that is formed with the help of a
performative expression in the form of present ( „I promise you that …”). The
dependent sentence contains a name or a characterisation as subject expression,
that designates an object, and a predicate expression for the general
determination that is assigned or refused to the object.[8]
The interpersonal communication has a
typical of its own. It begins interpersonally. If anyone wants to express a
feeling or an idea and wants to transmit a message that contains them, it is
first necessary to transpose them in verbal and non-verbal codes that may be
understood. The selected codes for transmitting what the individual intends to
– the words, gestures and the voice tone – shall be determined by the speaker’s
purpose, by the given situation and by the relation with the interlocutor, as
well as by other factors, as for instance the age, the cultural background and
the emotional state. The process of transposing the ideas and feelings in
messages is called codification.[9]
The interpersonal communication presents some defining features:
Face to face meeting: the interpersonal
communication implies the face to face meeting between two participants; that’s
why, it is deliberately excluded any type of communication that might be
entitled “mediated”, as for instance the phone conversation, where certain
artificial backgrounds perform the conversation between two participants. This
is because any background has characteristics with certain consequences for the
communication, even if, in the day by day life, we are not aware of these
characteristics or we do not take them into consideration. It is this lack of
awareness that may lead to misunderstandings. That’s why we have to resort
permanently to the interpersonal communication, in other words, to talk to
ourselves and to realise which is our place in the process of communication,
how we speak, whom we speak to, why we are speaking and which are the immediate
or future consequences of our communication. This communication is so important
and its results are so efficient, that it is very hard to imagine a situation
in which two normal persons, that take their existence in serious, are speaking
and are not reaching to any conclusion. Even in very serious confrontations, at
the end of fearful fights, an armistice, a peace is reached or a treaty is
signed. This is valid for the situations in which the fight field is full of
corps, the gun powder feels in the air, and one of the partners shall sign the
renunciation at territories, wealth, or maybe even the kingdom. The beneficial
result of the comprehension between two persons is even more plausible when the
stake is, in general, only the renunciation at a prejudice or the fact of forgetting an
insult, a thoughtless word or the reminder of a scowling look.
Particularisation of the participants roles: the interpersonal
communication implies two persons with variable roles and that are in relation
– the individuals have to communicate with a view to develop the personal
relations as follows:
·
where a high degree of confidence is possible
·
when every person is ready to discuss openly on the
own feelings and emotions
·
where there is preoccupation and mutual relationship
among the participants.
In this sense, the non-interpersonal
communication is the activity of people that communicate simply because they
have to. Double sense: The
interpersonal communication always takes place in both senses, in the
interpersonal situations always existing a bi-directional flow of
communication. The interpersonal communication does not imply only the change
of messages, in essence it implies creation of certain symbols, the change of
signification and concern for a certain message. This means that the sent
signals, regardless of their form, have to be clear and ambiguous, if daily
communication is involved, because if we refer to artistic communication
otherwise mentioned in another chapter, then we can say that ambiguity is not
only allowed, but also compulsory. Communication also requires that
affirmations made by the sender should be verified, in a way or another, by the
other participants in the discussion too. More exactly: to be verifiable. And –
even more closer of what we want to emphasise– to be real, not to raise
suspicions after they were uttered.
In reality, the elimination of ambiguity is very
difficult, rather impossible. Even when the idea of the human behaviour
ambiguity could be expressed, in the same time, almost any affirmation that
somebody could make at a certain moment may be interpreted in several ways.
That’s why, in order to understand the process of communication, it is
advisable to analyse the way in which the individuals give sense to the
situations they may occur.
At this point, we must make a statement that is not
easily to accept: the interpersonal communication is partially or entirely
intentional. This is because we do not communicate absolute truths and neither
we express ourselves in realities, but in words that, in their turn are
symbols. If anyone desires to pick holes in our coat may do this easily, by
showing, while we are speaking, that we are wrong-headed. Let us remember a
poem written by Eminescu inspired from a poem of Fr. Schiller, The Glove. Let us
stay for one moment in our reality. A young man, for instance, tells a young
girl he loves her. She asks: Do you mean it? He answers: Of course I mean it.
She has one more curiosity: are you a Christian? He, more or less accidentally,
is a Christian. It is all right, she says, you should commit suicide because
you love me, and a Christian kills himself for the person that he is in love
with… It is obvious that we got in the absurd, by choosing the sense that we
liked most from an entire process of communication with multiple semantic
valences.
The interpersonal
communication is rather a permanent process, and less an event or a series of
events. Usually, each of us, when thinking of an event, we have in mind
something very clear, an incident, an action, a fact that have an obvious start
and an obvious end. But if we adopt another point of view, the importance of
understanding the interpersonal communication appears more like a continuous
process, an on-going activity, that cannot be submitted to certain hours and
could not be the result of a decision related to a schedule.
The interpersonal
communication is cumulated in time. Even if a person made a statement at a
certain moment, this one should be interpreted according to what has been said
in the past and what is deemed to be said in the future. If we want to
understand the relationship between two persons that communicated previously,
then we have to take into account the history of their relationship and the way
in which each person interprets the other person’s remarks, because these ones
will not be understood in pure condition, but will be influenced by the past or
the future perspective. Everybody heard close persons admitting that they did
not believe a single word of what another person said, because three or four
years ago, let us say, this one said and did, and then…, that’s why the
listener does not believe anything. According to Professor Golu « the most
important psychological component of attitude is the motivational-emotional one,
that signifies the attitude valence: positive, negative, indifferent or
ambivalent. « When a person communicates with another person, the partners
focus on the distinctive features of the external aspect, they read “the
experienced emotions, each sees and deals with the other person’s behaviour in
a certain way, he decodes in a way or another the purposes and reasons of that
behaviour».[10]
These ones lead to a certain differentiated attitude in the sender according to
the human side that caused it.« There are psychological situations when a
certain side of the attitude controls more or less the others. For instance,
somebody may like the outside appearance, somebody else may like the way of
treating people, his indestructible optimism, but in the same time, that person
might feel indignation towards the political views of its partner. Sometimes,
this dominant aspect may reach such an intensity that the other sides of the
attitude are neutralised or inhibited».[11]
A special sector of the
interpersonal communication is the communication between parents and children,
especially when the latter became teenagers, the most difficult and unknown
period of the people’s life.
It was ascertained
that the teenagers crave for dialogue „not any type of dialogue, but an open
one, sincere and free of pressures. This dialogue would answer the questions
specific to their age, to the need of relating himself to others, to the need
of affection and sincerity “.[12]
As expected, the dialogue may be obstructed by obstacles arising from the feeling
experienced by many young persons, that is, the fact that the adults do not
understand them. „To the lack of
communication between teenagers and their parents contributes the categorical
hypothesis of the most of the young persons that their parents will never be
able to understand them or their interests, or the situations they experience.
They do know, intellectually speaking, that their parents were once teenagers
but it is impossible for them to believe that the problems of the adolescence
their parents had to deal with are relevant in any way to the situation they
are experiencing now”[13].
They do not want or accept the moralising lessons the adults try to give them.
On the contrary, they prefer sincere confrontations of opinions, as severe as
these ones may be, various solutions and even variants of these solutions, they
want that the validity of the points of view to be demonstrated. Hence, the
refusal to confess in the presence of adults or the lack of appetite as regards
the desire to require them a piece of advice; „the young man or the young woman
tend to see in their parents „the negative character” due to their advises and
in consequence they prefer to isolate themselves. Sometimes the parents impose
certain rules or viewpoints of their own, fact that makes the teenagers even
more reticent as regards the communication. They do believe that their parents
will never be able to understand them.”[14].
The teenagers become in this way attracted by the persons being of the same age
as they are, by the desire of distinguishing themselves within their group. „Very characteristic to this period of growth
is the diminution of the communication with the members of the family and the
creation of relations in extra-family environments, usually between colleagues
or even outside the schools. The child separates psychologically (sometimes he
brakes psychologically) from (with) the family and establishes his own
identity, preferring the company of his colleagues and friends instead of that
of his family. The parents have difficulties in accepting this new type of
relationship of their child and feel frustrated.”[15].
Even if the adults
do not agree with the idea, they have to understand the preference of the
teenagers for the persons of the same age, as well as their reasons, explicit
or not, for their choice; with tact and patience, they have to tolerate and
even to stimulate, within the dialogue, the exposure of some points of view
that, subsequently, will reveal also to the young persons as being wrong. For
the moment, without communicating with them, we are not able to realise what
they are thinking, and without knowing that, we are not able to act. The
excuses I cannot communicate with him, he
doesn’t listen to me, I do not understand what he has in his mind, may not
be solutions for remedying the lack of dialogue. The refusal to communicate
with the adult seems paradoxical in the conditions in which the teenager needs
affection. The parents „accuse the
teenagers that they refuse their love and protection and the teenagers accuse
their parents that they refuse their independence“[16]. The affection of the parents is, without any
doubt, necessary in this period, even if the teenager pretends he doesn’t need
anything, he got tired of being protected, of being surrounded with such a
parents’ love, the only thing he wants is to be left alone. The parents’ love,
in order to have positive effects, has to be constant and unselfish, without
reproaches and severe declarations such
as I sacrificed myself for you, if I knew
how things will be, I would have renounced to pregnancy, etc. The ultimate
declarations have to be avoided: it is
the last time I am telling you that, if you do not like at home follow your
nose. ” The parent’ love is very important, but it should not suffocate the
life of the teenager who is about to mould his personality. Some parents
exaggerate in taking care of their “little boy” or “little girl”, determining
them either to become dependent of their parents to such an extent that they
will not be able any more to solve on their own the most insignificant
problems, or to become impatient to get rid of their “loving parents”, in order
to become themselves.”[17].
The base of a solid relationship with the child, with the teenager consists in
offering an unconditioned love, but there must be found modalities of
communicating, of transmitting this love.
The teenager
considers that there isn’t anything sure as regard the truths transmitted by
others, that the only truths are those truths he discovers himself. Once arrived
at this conclusion, consciously or unconsciously, the child ceases to be so
transparent to his parent. „There are
teenagers who consider “tight” for their personality the family environment,
stating that the parents are not in line with the new generation, even as
regard the moral development, and in consequence they are not able any more to
help them solve the problems the life may create.“[18].
From here to the appearance of conflicts there is only one step. The cause
consists in the differences between these two worlds; the majority of the
teenagers consider they belong to a world different from that of the adults,
that the times when the grandmother was a young lady are gone, they want not to
hear any more stories of old times!, they have “more advanced” life
conceptions. If they knew more proverbs and if they did not despise them (for
now), they would remind us: You were a
young lady once but it’s over now!; The old man sings, his old lady dances; God
would better get down to take with His rake some old people. And other such
sweet things. They consider themselves modern and their parents, even if some
of them are under forty years, for instance, are considered old, obsolete, with
one foot in the grave, suffering from scleroses and so on, we’d better stop
here with the examples!
Their ideas,
feelings, their manner of thinking are different from the adults’ ones, more
future-oriented. As it is natural, young people have ideals different from the
ideals of their parents. While parents have already mould their ideals (or gave
up on them), the ideals of the teenagers are being moulded now. But as the
parents were themselves young once (otherwise from where all these old men and
old women!) it is natural that they know and understand the concerns of their
children. In the speciality literature appears the idea that the parents know
only vaguely and empirically, based on their own experiences, the problems of
their children – teenagers and in consequence it appears “the necessity that
the parents become acquainted with the main psychological and sociological
aspects of adolescence age and – on this basis – with the moulding of a modern
scientific conception about the main problems of the adolescence.”[19].
This is an aspect related rather to the theory. In fact, due to the fact that
any teenager has his own personality, beside the problems related to affection,
dialogue, balance between authority and freedom, “the parents have not to
forget a basic rule as regards their relationship with the teenagers: the
individual treatment, as differentiated as possible.”[20].
The teenagers need also to be helped to solve some age specific problems. In
order to sole the conflicts between parents and teenagers, the first step is
the clear definition of the problem and the effort to understand each other.
But for this wish to become true it is necessary to communicate.
In the relationship
teenager - adult, the incapacity of each party of communicating may generate
serious distortions or the blocking of the communication. Between parents and
teenagers there are different styles of communication, each of them with
specific effects that determine the type of parental domination. Philip Rice
identified 4 styles of parental domination [21]:
The authoritative style – follows to have as result a
strict obedience. The communication is unilateral, the decision-making is done
exclusively by the parent, because the suggestions of the teenagers are not
taken into account. Effects: the teenager does not learn how to take decisions
and to undertake responsibilities, he lacks the self-confidence and the
self-respect and, in consequence, he will be dependent on others.
The permissive style – the teenager is not oriented
by his parents, he acts without constraint, he is let to take his own decisions
in all respects. He may become very easily spoiled and selfish and may develop
relationships of conflict with those persons who do not allow him to do what he
wants. Because he doesn’t know the limits of his own behaviour, he may feel
sometimes insecure, disoriented and he may accuse his parents for this fact.
The inconsequent style – alternates the discipline
with the permissiveness. The parent threatens the child with punishment and
then he gives up. The teenager exercises his control over the parent. Effects:
the teenager will manipulate the others and will be permanently in conflict
with the persons in an authoritative position. He will not learn to take
decisions rationally but by momentary impulses.
The democratic style – has as purpose to help the
teenager to become self-confident and to use his mind. The communication is
one-to-one, the parent assumes together with the child the preferences related
to the consequences of decisions. Effects: the teenager learns how to take
decisions, he assumes risks and acquires “the communication key”, by developing
his abilities of speaking and listening. The ideal is when the parents and the
children discover and understand each other and avoid the tensioned
relationships that might appear. This is about a protective love that creates
for the teenager an atmosphere of security that harmonises with the two natural
tendencies, discipline and freedom.
What could we say to a teenager:
-
It is recommended
to pronounce his fist name as often as possible. He is not a child any more, he
sees himself as an individuality: Răzvan, Ionuţ, Dragoş.
-
To underline the
characteristics that make him different from the others, especially from his
parents.
-
To ask for his
opinion, giving him the impression (that may become fact) that he is the one who
decides the high-school to go to, the faculty to follow and the career to
dedicate to.
-
To underline the
natural manner in which he integrates himself in the contemporary realities.
-
To appreciate his
taste for cloths, even if it doesn’t correspond to our views.
-
To try to
understand his preferences for the music he chooses.
-
To ask for his
advice when we make changes to the apartment.
-
To let him arrange
his rooms as he wants.
-
To suggest him that
he is prepared for an exceptional destiny.
-
To compare his nice
gestures with similar ones made by heroes of books or by remarkable persons.
-
To speak to him in
short about the plans the great personalities had in their youth.
-
To recommend him
biographical novels. The books of Andre Maurois are a pleasant and instructive
lecture.
What it isn’t good to say to a
teenager:
-
Not to underline
the sacrifices we made for him.
-
Not to underline
the difficult life we had in comparison with his great luck to have us as
parents!. The times will come when he will appreciate us on his own initiative.
-
Not to give him
examples of children from neighbours or from other families, who do not cause
problems to their parents.
-
To see toward whom
is oriented his admiration, and if his option is correct to encourage it.
-
Not to give him an
ultimatum: if you don’t do this way, you’ll see what will happen.
-
Not to tell him
about episodes when he disappointed us.
-
To offer him the
certitude that irrespective of what he will do he will find a warm place at
home. Here it is recommended to read again, as often as possible, the parable
of the wasteful son of the Bible and to remark that the father doesn’t reproach
anything to his son who has wasted his fortune.
-
Not to tell him
under any circumstances that we are ashamed with him.
-
Not to give us as a
declarative example: At your age, I...
-
Not to tell him
that he is different (that he is evil or indolent), because he resembles his
mother or his father. Not to tell him either he resembles one of his
grandfathers, well-known for his defects.
-
To remind him of
the successes that delighted him.
-
To appreciate his
memory or his spirit of observation, his consistency or his malleability – from
case to case.
-
To speak to him
about the moments when he was remarkable by a word he said or a gesture he
made.
-
To appreciate his
simple manner of thinking, drawing his attention on the shades.
-
To be detached, as
far as possible, in order not to let him feel that we try to manipulate him.
2.2.
Communication in small groups
The essence of the
group life is, according to Homans, “a dynamic interrelationship between
several elements: activities, feelings, communication and interaction norms.
The affection feelings between the members of the group arise from contact and
cooperation; the interaction and the intercommunication lead to the
assimilation of some common norms and to an affection, of the type of
solidarity, for the group; the communication forms appeared mirror and sustain
a structure with status differences inside the group and a certain distribution
of the affection feeling between the members’’4.
It takes place when
a group of people meet in order to solve a problem, to take a decision or to
make proposals related to an activity that interests them to the same extent or
motivates them differently, but not contradictorily. The group has to be small
enough so that each of its members has the possibility to interact with the
other participants to the discussion, members of the group. If the group is not
small enough and does not ensure the communication between its members, then it
divides in smaller groups, forming as we, the Balkans, call cliques or
coteries…
The drawing up in group
Before
starting working out a project, the group has to have a meeting of “pre-drawing
up”. With this occasion the group has two key charges: to establish the charges
and the limits and to choose a working out method.
The establishment of the
charges and limits.
In order to establish the charges and limits,
answer the following questions:
- Which is the sequence of
sections?
- Is it necessary to finalize
some of the sections in order to begin other ones?
- Which is the writing charge
of each person?
- Which is the limit for each
section?
Pay a
special attention to the limits. Calculate your time starting from the final
limit. If a report is established for May, 1st and you need one week
for printing, then two weeks for review and revision, then the limit for
working out is April 9th, three weeks before May, 1st !
Select
a working out method. The groups may work out a document in two ways: each
person writes a single section or a single person writes the entire document.
Generally,
each person writes a section if the document is long or if the sections are too
specialised. For a tender project, for instance, a single person may make the
technical description while another person will draw up the tender budget. If
each person writes a section, the work is equally distributed. Anyhow, this
method may not be efficient enough because of the possible conflicts of style,
format or tone.
In
order to work out a consistent document, it is often recommended for this
document to be written by a single person, especially if it is a small project.
A problem that appears as concerns this method is that the author may leave the
mark of his own ego, feeling himself “offended”, especially if a member of the
group suggests major reviews. The group has to decide what method to use,
taking into account the strong points and weak points of the members of the
group.
The Post-drawing up in group
The
finalization of a document supposes two activities: the drawing up and the
output of the final form of the document.
The choice of a drawing up
method
The groups may draw up in many ways. They may
draw up in group or may designate a writer. If they draw up in group, they may
pass the sections from one to another in order to comment them, or they may
meet to discuss together about the sections. Briefly, this method is
embarrassing. Very often the groups will “split hears”, getting into to the
most detailed aspects of the material (such as: whether to use capitals for all
the letters of the title or not, according to the occidental model, whether to
make another layout, etc) and they will forget the more important aspects. If
the group designates a writer, that person may, usually, make a consistent
document. The writer has to bring back the drawn up document for being
reviewed. The basic questions related to which the group has to answer, as
regards the drawing up, are:
- Who will suggest
the changes as regards the working out of the document? A person? A writer? The
group?
- Will the members
meet as a group in order to draw up the document?
- Who will decide
whether the changes will be accepted or not?
During this stage
the mechanism conflict – solution is critical. For instance, it is difficult
for some people to accept the suggested changes, especially if they are
insecure as regards what they wrote.
-
Select a final production method. The group has to designate a member for
supervising the final working out. Someone has to collect the parts worked out,
to employ a typist and to read the document in order to find the errors. Then,
someone has to write the introduction and to take care of some problems such as
the table of contents, the bibliography and the visual support. These charges
need time and require a special care for the details, especially if it is about
a large document. Here are some of the questions addressed to the group, for
taking into account this stage:
- Who will write
the introduction?
- Who will lay out
the table of contents?
- Who will prepare
all the quotations and the bibliography?
- Who will prepare
the final version and the visual support?
- Who will
supervise the output of the final document?
In
conclusion, the process of writing the document in group will provoke your
abilities as a writer and as a person. This one may be a pleasant experience or
on the contrary, a bitter one. The adequate planning will increase the chances
of drawing up a successful report and will represent a pleasant experience. When
you work in group, remember that the feelings of people may be easily offended
if you criticise what they wrote. Be gentle. Or, as a student said, “Get some
tact.” The catalogue below reviews all the special characteristics of writing
in group.
Summary
This
chapter explains the process of professional drawing up and the special models
of the process of writing in group.
During the process of professional drawing up, the writers plan, work out and
give a final format to their documents.
The planning includes
answering these eight questions:
- Who is my audience?
- Which is my objective in this drawing up
situation?
- Which constraints affect this situation?
- Which are the basic actions?
- Which is the expected form?
- What represents an efficient schedule?
- What format and visual support should I use?
- What tone should I use?
The working out consists of writing and
rewriting a document in order to render it more accessible to the reader. The
writers follow a preliminary sketch, but they also have to develop efficient strategies
in selecting the words and in elaborating sentences and paragraphs. They have
to use some means such as “brainstorming” and ramification that could help them
in the process of assimilation.
The final stage is that of
working out the final form of the document. The writers bring the text in an
accurate and precise form, by verifying the orthography, the grammar and by a
consistency and a logic of all the similar elements of the documents.
The process of drawing up in
group requires special activities for each stage of the usual writing process.
During the initial stage, the groups have to designate a leader and to draw up
a plan for finalising the document. They have also to choose methods for
eliminating the differences and to establish the charges and the limits. While
the work advances, the members have to meet regularly in order to draw up a
report of the activities, to adopt decisions related to the style and to share
the information. Finally, they have to select a method for working out, drawing
up and finalising the document, paying a special attention to the charges,
limits and conflict.
Exercises
1.
Analyse a professional document from your field of
activity (an article, a business letter, a chapter of a book you are studying)
in order to see how did the author answer to the planning questions. Then,
image you are an editor working to an institution that publishes such
documents. Use your analyses in order to write a letter to a possible author
explaining to him how to prepare such a document for your company.
2.
Review the following paragraph. The new paragraph has
to contain two sections of reasoning about the writing and the format. Review
at the same time the sentences.
Charges in the drawing up process
Interview three
people who use the writing as a part of their academic or professional work, in
order to find out the type of writing process they use:
- A student of your department
- A teacher of the teaching department
- A professional of your activity field
Prepare the
questions for each stage of their drawing up process. Show them the process
model and ask them if this one mirrors the process undergone by them. Then
prepare a memoir of one or two pages for your schoolmates, making a summary of
the results of the interview.
1.
Describe an instrument or a draw up a sketch that may
be used in your field of activity or that you use frequently. Before making the
description, perform the following operations:
a) Answer all the
planning-related questions regarding your document in a memoir you’ll forward to
your instructor.
b) Make a time
schedule for each stage of the process.
c) Have at hand the
catalogue, the schedule and the answers on paper.
Here is a list with suggestions. It may be also used by other persons.
|
Microscope
Form of contribution
Funds expense sheet
Cash register
Oscilloscope
Industrial robot
Camera of 35 mm
Film projector
Horizontal camera
Computer
Condenser – magnifying device
|
|
All or a part of the computer system
All or a part of the stereo system
Microwave oven
Sewing machine
Car engine
Knife, saw and other tools
Waxed metal for ski
Footwear for running
Typewriter
Lamp with oxyacetylene
|
2.
Write one or two pages describing the process you used
in the last document. Include also a “process-model” diagram.
3.
Your instructor will distribute you in groups of three
or four persons, according to your professional interest. As a group, try to
consider the charges presented at no. 1, from above. Each person of the group
shall interview different persons. Your purpose as a group is to draw up a memoir
of one or two pages making a summary of the results of the interviews. Follow
the steps presented in the section “Drawing up in group” of this chapter.
Beside the memoir, the teacher may ask you to have also a journal of your
activities.
- specialised communication
This
communication is the action by which the individual maintains the relationship
with the following groups and processes of the activity:
with
the audience, electorate, customers, beneficiaries, press.
This is the communication of a person charged
with responsibility by his chief, within an important institution that needs
such a thing – he is required to express his opinion, he has a high reputation
and his position is very important. The person charged with such a
responsibility needs a special training, at least it is recommended for him to
have such training. In such cases the economy of words is extremely important:
you have to speak very little and accurately, only two or three additional
words and the entire message deviates from the initial purpose, causing
troubles to the sending person. Sometimes a single word may have catastrophic
consequences, because there isn’t always the possibility of denial, and when
there is such a possibility, the period of time between the sending moment and
the denial moment is long enough and there was already sufficient time for
causing troubles, some of them with significant consequences.
within
the personnel selection process
An
institution with many employees and in development process, but also during the
reorganisation process, is obliged to communicate, to analyse the capacities of
the personnel employed, to decide which person to keep, to promote or to let
go. This action is extremely important, because the future of the company
depends on the way in which these operations are performed. This is an
extremely serious reason for which the process should not be carried out
empirically, but after discussing with each employee. The discussions may not
be formal, because otherwise the result would be based on hazard. In order to
decide the future of a person or of a company, it is evidently important to
know well the persons for whom important decisions have to be taken. The
respective discussions may be led only by persons specialised in this field of
activity, able to communicate their intentions but also to discover the
qualities and the defects of the interlocutors.
within
disciplinary activities
In
the work process, quite often appear difficult situations in which the
employees haven’t accomplished correctly their work-related duties. It doesn’t
matter now if they didn’t accomplish their duties because they didn’t want to
or because they were unable to do it. For them and for their colleagues it is
absolutely necessary to take a disciplinary measure, otherwise the situation
could repeat and could have irreparable consequences, catastrophic ones. Of
course, it is not recommended to call the respective person to the manager’s
office, to insult him and then to communicate him the decision: you shall never
set your foot in my factory since this very moment, leave and let me never set
eyes on you again. This thing is unacceptable for many reasons:
·
for humanitarian causes,
·
it is not civilised to apply somebody such a treatment
·
he has to be persuaded that he was wrong and that his
error was a serious one
·
he has to understand that the it is impossible for him
to keep working there
·
the situation in which he may become an serious enemy
of the company should be avoided
·
for precaution: he might make an uncontrolled gesture
against him, his family, against the managers of the company or against the
equipment of the company, the building, the employees, etc.
within
negotiations
An
institution or a company is in a permanent contact with the partners. The
collaboration is intense and brings daily new elements, as it is right to be
for a modern company, either it is a production company, a trading company or a
resale company. There are orders received and merchandises delivered, of either
industrial, banking or consulting nature. Nothing may be done without
negotiating. The price, the terms, the delivery conditions and the contractual
clauses are negotiated. This implies absolutely the oral communication. The
situation of a producer of radio or television programmes is also a kind of
negotiation: he will be always oriented toward the listener – viewer, trying to
establish the real middle course, to speak but also to listen, to be calm but
also nervous, to be full of live. The situation of the social worker is the same:
his communication is a continuous negotiation, related to how much he says and
how much he finds out, how much he wants to express his intentions and how much
he wants to know his interlocutor, based on his sincere reactions and not on
those determined by the intention of obtaining advantages We say that because
the interlocutors lie in wait them too, negotiate them too, that is they want
to know what they win if they give a certain answer and what they lose if they
give another answer, which are the advantages offered by one information and
the advantages offered by another information.
within
meetings ( sessions, assemblies)
Beside
the daily communication with the employees or with the partners, there is also
an organised communication, when the people are gathered in one place, for a
certain purpose. These meetings are previously announced or, if there wasn’t
the possibility of scheduling it, at the moment when the event of force majeure
occurred. It would be better for the people to know previously what might be
called the agenda, but there are sufficient cases in which the deciding factors
do not disclose the secret of the meeting, relying on the surprise element and
reach better in this way their objective. But if the invited persons or the employees
are not previously announced and the intention is that of surprising them as
concerns the topic under discussion, in exchange the organizers will never come
to the meeting without knowing clearly what they will communicate and how they
will do it.
The
meetings of this kind are chaired by the chairmen or by the leader of the
group. According to Nicki Stanton, he has to take permanently into account two
things: the charge to be accomplished and the type of group he leads. The
delimitation of the purpose is absolutely necessary. „This is done by
establishing the meetings in due time and by giving the reference topics for
the meeting – in other words, by establishing the agenda and the work plan. The
objectives have to offer a control basis, for the leader, and a work direction,
for the group. The objectives well defined, conceived with a special care and
clearly expressed in an agenda shall constitute a solid basis for the
teamwork”.[22]
within the co-ordination of projects,
contracts, etc.
It is
the most concrete activity of a company. It doesn’t take place daily, because
the projects are not executed daily, they constitute long-term objectives. But
their discussion supposes a lot of time, and the final form takes the shape of
decisions, with terms, responsibilities. For the person co-ordinating such an
activity, it is unimaginable that an activity of this type might be conceived
and carried out beyond discussions, communication, information and opinion
exchange. Here is, for instance, the way in which was created the player disk
Sony, according to Stephen R. Covey’s account: the manager Kozo Ohsone went one
day to work and cut a piece of wood having the dimension of a compact disk and
put it in front of his engineers. He didn’t tell his chiefs why he had done
such a thing, but he communicated to his engineers the fact that he wants the
future disk to have that dimension. He called also the design researchers and
told them the same thing. Almost all of them grumbled, but they started to work
in this direction. When the new Sony version was put on the market, it was
twenty times smaller than everything done until that moment, three times
cheaper and, obviously, acceptable for any buyer due to its dimensions.[23]
within
the writing of the reports
Any
work meeting should be ended by drawing up a report, otherwise it would be a
simple discussion more or less friendly, more or less casual. The decision has
to be registered, written in a special register (notebook, file) in order to be
used as a basis for the subsequent actions deriving from this meeting or
related to it. These reports, as useless as they might seem at first sight,
will offer important elements regarding the evolution of the problem, its
origin and the obstacles appeared in its way, the persons involved, avoiding
thus any subsequent confusion and eliminating the subjectivism generated by the
false memory. In order to be sure that a report will be written, a person shall
be charged with this responsibility, usually the secretary of the commission –
but any participant to a meeting has to be prepared in case such a
responsibility is given to him. The person that declines to assume such a
responsibility or excuses himself, justifying that he doesn’t know how to do
it, he has never done such a thing, that it is not the job he is the best
prepared to do, etc. doesn’t make a good impression.
[1] Oger, Stefanink, La communication, c' est come le chinos,
cela s'apprend, Paris, Rivages / Les Echos, 1987, pag. 56.
[2] C. Noica, Rostirea
filozofică românească, Bucureşti, Editura Ştiinţifică, 1970, p. 17.
[3] Ferdinand de Saussure, Curs de lingvistică generală, Editura Polirom, 1998, pag. 87.
[4] Emmanuel Pedler, Sociologia comunicării, Bucureşti, Editura Cartea Românească, 2001,
p. 22.
[5] Mihai Dinu, Comunicarea, Bucureşti, Ed. Algos, 2000, p. 77.
[6] Jurgen Habermas, Cunoaştere şi comunicare, Bucureşti, Editura Politică, 1983, p.192.
[7] Dennis Wilcox, Public relations. Strategies and tactics, Ed. Harper-Collins, 1992,
p. 188.
[8] Jurgen Habermas, Op. cit., p. 182.
[9] Allan Pease, Alan Garner, Limbajul vorbirii. Arta conversaţiei, Bucureşti, Ed.
Polimark, 1999, pag. 60.
[10] P. Golu, op.
cit., p. 167.
[11] Ibidem.
[12] Ion Dumitrescu, Adolescenţii - lumea lor spirituală şi
activitatea educativă, Craiova, Scrisul Românesc, 1980, p.96.
[13] Lawrence Bauman, Robert Richie, Op. Cit, p.114.
[14] Costin Nemţeanu, Comunicare sau înstrăinare, Bucureşti, Ed. Gnosis, 1997, p.177.
[15] Carmen Ciofu, Interacţiunea părinţi- copii, Bucureşti, Editura Medicală Amaltea,
1998, p. 113.
[16] Ion Dumitrescu, Op. Cit, p..237
[17] idem, p.182.
[18] idem, p.132
[19] idem, p.133.
[21] F. Philip Rice, The
Adolescent: Development, Relationships and Culture , USA
[22] Nicki Stanton, Comunicarea, Bucureşti , Societatea
Ştiinţă şi Tehnică, SA., [1995], pag. 85.
[23] Stephey R. Covey, Etica liderului eficient sau conducerea
bazată pe principii, Bucureşti, Editura Alfa, 2000, pag. 255.
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